Treading Water

Sorry I got off the blogging schedule. First I was busy, then I was sick, then I was busy AND sick. So, unfortunately, my brain wasn't really working along the witty rejoinder lines.

I had intended to blog about the joys of traveling with an infant - we visited some friends and my brother in Northern Virginia this weekend, which went quite well but was an adventure - but there has been another reason I wasn't writing, and I wanted to air it.

The last couple of days - well, weeks, really - have been pretty hard on me. I know it's normal, I know it's post-partum and hormones and sleep deprivation, I know it will pass. But knowing these things doesn't stop the nagging feelings that I'm a bad mom, that I can't keep the pieces together, that I'm leeching, that I'm not pulling my weight at home, that I don't deserve to be unhappy because so many people are in such worse positions than I am. I can KNOW I'm being irrational and still be irrational. I can KNOW that what I'm feeling is unfounded and still feel it.

Yesterday, Kaylee screamed. For five hours. I wanted to put my head in a wall, but more than that I felt guilty for just wanting her to SHUT UP. For not knowing how to fix whatever was hurting her. I felt that, by not being able to comfort her, I wasn't doing my job, and therefore wasn't doing ANYTHING right. It was not a good day.

Through all this, I have three solaces: reading, cooking, and Sze. Today, I was doing laundry, and had put the clean clothes on the bed to attend to later. After Kaylee went to sleep, I got in the bathtub to read and decompress. When I got out, the clean clothes had been folded and put away. No overture, no fanfare, no "here, let me get that for you" solicitousness. Just a simple gesture of help with the little things, so we can both get on with the big things. When I opened my drawer and saw my clothes there, all my frustration melted away. The smallest things make the biggest difference.

Because it's been a week and a half, you get an awesome recipe tonight. This is what I made for dinner on Monday, which was a VERY good day and was capped with a VERY good meal.

As a preface, I am going to preen for a moment. If you didn't read the blog while I was in Taiwan, you probably don't know that I have had MAJOR problems with food resembling its living form. There was a notable incident with a still breathing fish at the open air market in Jhunan that my family still laughs about, and they weren't even there. So, when Sze suggested we start buying whole chickens because they're much cheaper than buying the pre-prepared parts, my response was, "you carve it, I'll cook it."

Well, whether it was a fit of pique, a general irritation with myself for being wimpy over something SO mundane, or the echo of my in-laws good natured laughter as they remind me that it's FRESHER that way, I decided to put on my big girl skivvies and get my OWN giblets out of the chicken and roast the blasted thing whole. And I did. And I didn't even throw up. So, without further ado, here's my roasted chicken with watercress and radicchio!

Herb Roasted Chicken with Watercress and Radicchio

1 4 lb chicken
1 package basil (I get my herb packages from Trader Joes. I think it ends up being about a half cup, chopped)
1 package chives
5-6 thyme sprigs
3 shallots
5 cloves garlic
A whopping boatload of olive oil
1 head radicchio, quartered
1 bunch watercress
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
2 tsp brown sugar
2-3 tsp lemon juice
salt and pepper galore

2 gallon sized ziplock bags

In a food processor, combine all herbs, 1 shallot, 3 cloves garlic, salt, pepper, and about 1/4 cup olive oil. Blend until smooth. Place 1 shallot, remaining garlic, and salt and pepper in cavity of chicken. Put the chicken in one of the zipper bags, and pour herb oil over it, working the oil into the skin. Let sit for at least four hours, and preferably overnight.

Combine balsamic vinegar, another 1/4 cup olive oil, brown sugar, lemon juice, and remaining shallot, and whisk until incorporated. Pour into second zipper bag, and add radicchio and watercress. Seal and shake, and marinate for three hours.

Heat oven to 450. Place chicken in rimmed baking dish, pouring remaining oil over it. Roast for 1 hour 15 minutes, basting with pan juices every 20 minutes or so.

Saute radicchio and watercress for 3 minutes, reserving marinade. Serve on platter around the chicken with marinade as a sauce. Bask in the compliments.

Buon Appetito!